Taking 100% Responsibility for
My Life & My Marriage.
That’s my job.
What I know from my experience is that this means that I am responsible for my thoughts about my marriage and my spouse.
I am 100% responsible for my thoughts about my marriage and my spouse.
I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years.
I’m in this marriage for loving connection, red-hot fun, and playfulness.
I do not want a OK – good enough, lukewarm marriage.
So – I’m willing to put some effort in to have something worth holding onto.
And what I’ve learned is that the work to be done in my marriage is more in my mind, on my thoughts – rather than on my husband and his behaviors.
My thoughts are always spinning.
Sometimes spinning right out of control.
So I ask myself –
Are my thoughts serving me and getting me what I want?
Are my thoughts helping me have the red-hot, happy marriage of my dreams?
Today is not a great, red-hot, happy day in my marriage.
We are communicating.
We are doing our version of communicating.
We are each sharing our version of reality.
They don’t match up.
That makes sense.
We are two different people
having two different experiences of the same event.
Back to “I am 100% responsible for my thoughts”.
My thoughts = my life.
My thoughts = my red-hot, happy marriage.
One persistent limiting thought I have is that my husband is wrong.
He is wrong.
I am right.
(It IS that simple.)
EXCEPT – The #1 guideline I follow in creating my red-hot, happy marriage is:
“Don’t make him wrong – even when he is wrong.”
And its corollary – “I am NOT right – even when I am right.”
Take a time out. Walk away.
I don’t change channels quickly.
It takes some effort on my part.
I can hear the gears grind.
I consider that I might be projecting my thoughts and fears on him.
(I am that powerful.)
My thoughts appear correct.
They ARE facts.
And I am a believer in those facts.
What if my thoughts were maybe possibly not true?
Do I really know what true is?
Let’s examine my thought:
“He is not .”
Fill in the blank with the disappointment or judgement of the day.
Or “He is .”
Fill it in with the blame or resentment of the day.
Consider the possibility that I what I am thinking may not be true.
(That thought is a whisper.)
My thought –
“He is NOT – loving, compassionate, caring, thoughtful, or .”
“He is NOT the man of my dreams.”
What if my thought wasn’t true?
Even though I thought it was.
Maybe – possibly – my thought isn’t absolutely true.
Maybe he is loving. Maybe he is the man of my dreams.
Let’s turn that initial thought around
“I am NOT – loving, compassionate, caring, thoughtful, or .”
“I am NOT the wife of my dreams.”
Let that sink in.
Not in a blame/shame, right/wrong, good/bad kind of way.
Do this like a meditation.
With compassion for yourself.
Journal about it.
How is it true that you are NOT ?
(Whatever it was that you said about your spouse.)
List 3 reasons it might be true.
- I am NOT the spouse of my dreams when I judge and criticize my spouse.
- I am NOT the spouse of my dreams when I am angry and disappointed much of the time.
- I am NOT the spouse of my dreams when I don’t listen and hear how my husband sees the world.
Turn it around again to its opposite.
How IS your spouse loving, compassionate, caring, thoughtful, ?
How IS your partner the spouse of your dreams?
List 3 reasons that the opposite of your initial thought is actually true.
Following this inquiry is like taking a shovel and digging in, gently loosening the soil around the deep roots of a belief that is not serving you – or your marriage.
To yourself. To your spouse.
And when you are ready
Let it go.
This inquiry is based on the work of Byron Katie.
If you are curious and want to be guided through this process using a persistent limiting thought that you have about your spouse – or about yourself, please contact me. Let’s talk.